My Road

This morning I have been thinking of where I am in life, and what my road has looked like over the past several years. I don’t know that I could have predicted how far I would actually come if someone had asked me years ago “where do you see yourself in 10 years”.

Right about my mid twenties is when I went through one of the most difficult experiences I have ever had, even to this day. I had been progressing in my role and the opportunity came up to run my own store. Everyone around me kept telling me “you can do this, you are ready for this”, and I believed them. Even when I had some hesitations, I believed what they were saying and so I went for it. And it was disastrous. The store I went to did not want me in that role. The staff were not happy to have me there, having been together for years with the same Manager in place. One of the people on the staff made it her mission to make my time there absolutely miserable; she would go to my boss and tell him that I had already left for the day but she was still there. Never mind that I had been there since 6am. Slowly, she helped to erode his confidence in me. I didn’t really help myself either though. I didn’t have regular meetings with him to see how he was feeling about how I was doing. I didn’t have meetings with the staff to ask for their feedback and what they needed from me. I didn’t ask for help when I needed it. I just kept going, thinking everything was fine.

I went on a small vacation for a week and two days after I got back, my boss asked to meet with me before I left for the day. No problem, nothing seemed out of place. I walked into his office and sitting there was the head of HR. Now if you have never experienced this, it isn’t a good thing to see that person sitting there for a meeting that you have no idea about. My heart sank into my stomach and I knew I was getting fired. I was given two options for different positions in different stores, both well below my capabilities. If I chose neither of them, I was on my own. I called my old boss to tell her what happened and she immediately told me to come back to the store, she would find a position for me.

Let me tell you this, walking back into that store after being fired from my other job was the HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE. Period. I had to give myself a 20 minute pep talk before I could even get out of my car. I had failed. I felt worthless. I felt ashamed. Defeated. But I eventually got out of my car, walked in, and got to work. Eventually those feelings started to fade but they were replaced with anger. I was so angry about what had happened TO me. Not really taking any responsibility for my role in the entire thing. I know it wasn’t all my fault, but with every experience there is a role that you play and you have to take responsibility for the actions you took or didn’t take that helped to lead you there. That’s when you really learn and grow. I happened across a book that really helped me through this time: A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It was the one thing I needed to read to help me get over my anger. The thing with holding on to resentment and anger is that it will change who you are, the core of your being, if you let it. I didn’t like who I was becoming. So I did a lot of self reflection and working through my emotions, and I came out the other side a much wiser, and happier person.

Walking back into that store was the smartest thing I ever did. It led me to my current role where I get to support the entire region, do training, and work one-on-one with people to help them grow in their roles. This is my happy place. This is what I truly love doing. If had not had the courage to walk back into that store, I don’t know where I would be. Sometimes the hardest thing you will ever do, can be the one thing that will help you to grow the most. It can be the thing that takes you down a path you weren’t sure you would ever find. It can change your life.

If you are going through a hard time right now, hang in there. Reflect on what you need to learn, what this experience is teaching you. Take that power back, put yourself back in charge of your life and your destiny. It isn’t an easy thing to do, but the rewards can be absolutely amazing. And don’t forget to ask for help when you need it. There are people all around you that will jump in to help when you ask for it.

Until next time.

Jo xxox

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Is This “Normal”?

The days seem to blend together, lately. Each day feeling much like the previous one did – so much to do and not enough time (or sometimes desire) to do it. Every afternoon hitting a wall that only a quick nap will fix. Every night spent falling into bed, exhausted and thinking about the next days tasks. It feels very hard to find daily enjoyment right now when this is how I feel everyday. This past weekend I spent playing catch up after being away for two weekends in a row (one for work, one for pleasure) – on these days it makes me wonder if this time away is always worth it?

I remember my parents being so busy when I was a kid. There was always work, activities, running supper out to the field, moving equipment, yard work, house work….always something that demanded their attention. I didn’t truly have an appreciation for this until I found myself in that same stage of life. There is so much to do, and it feels like you will never catch up. It makes me wonder if this is “normal” for this phase of life? When you have kids, a job, a business, pets, is there ever truly time for yourself or do you just push through until there are fewer people demanding something from you? And how do you still find enjoyment when you feel so incredibly busy and exhausted?

Each day I try to find a little moment for myself – lately it’s doing a workout in the morning even though that requires getting up at 5:30 am. Those quiet mornings where nobody else is pulling for my time or attention and I can focus on what I want to do are the happiness in my day. I find that this activity also helps me to relieve stress, making me a generally happier person for everyone else around me.

I don’t know what the answers are right now. I’m still trying to figure it all out, one day at a time. As long as I don’t forget that perfect is not an expectation, I suppose I’ll be alright. One day at a time, I live my “normal”.

It’s not you, it’s me….

About two and a half years ago, my cousin passed away quite suddenly (or at least it felt that way to me). I knew she had been sick for the past year but I also knew she was getting better. She had a bone marrow transplant which was supposed to be the turning point in her illness (it wasn’t cancer) but instead of making her better, she ended up dying. I still remember the phone call from my Mom. I had just arrived at the Farmer’s Market with my daughter and I was chatting with one of the Vendors that I was friendly with. My phone rang and it was my Mom – I love talking to my Mom so I picked it up. As soon as I heard her voice, I knew something was wrong. And then she told me my cousin had passed away that morning. I think I went into shock for the rest of the day; I sat in that booth and cried for about 20 minutes and managed to stop long enough to drive back home. I laid on the couch feeling the heaviness of the news on top of me. I didn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it.

She was someone that I grew up with and was very close with as we became adults. As kids, we spent weeks together in the summer, one week at my house on the farm and one week at her house in the city. We played together as babies and were now raising babies at the same time. We had drifted apart a bit in the last couple of years, as tends to happen when you have a job and a family and a life. You think you have all the time in the world to catch up again….as soon as……I will always regret not spending more time catching up when we had the chance.

We were 35 years old….and she was gone. I didn’t have a chance to tell her I loved her, that I loved growing up with her, that I couldn’t wait to see her. That time was stolen away. To say this death shook me to my core is an understatement. She was the first person I had lost that I was really close to, that wasn’t a grandparent. It just felt different from losing a grandparent – they had already lived long, fulfilled lives. Death wasn’t supposed to happen to someone as young and vibrant as her. As I write this, it still brings tears to my cheeks. I still feel the pain of that phone call and that loss. Right or wrong, this loss still feels really fresh sometimes.

She was married and had three children. Two daughters that were 13 and 18 at the time, and a son that was only 3 years old. She had finally found the person she was meant to be with and they were so happy together. That was a long time coming, and she had a rough road getting there but she was still always so positive, happy, and grateful. And then she was gone.

I would often think of her kids, growing up without her and wonder how they were doing. I would think about her husband and wonder how he was getting through each day. And then one day I saw something on Facebook that made me stop. He was tagged in a picture with another woman. You could tell by the picture that this wasn’t just a friend. They were dating. My heart felt like it was breaking again. How could he be dating someone else already? How could he have moved on so fast? (this was about 6 months after my cousins passing). How could life be moving forward when she wasn’t here to enjoy it with?

I have learned to adjust to this change. To accept that everyone moves on in different ways and at different times. That it isn’t realistic to expect someone to spend their life alone just because you aren’t ready for them to move on. That it isn’t up to me to pass judgement on how I feel about how he is living his life. In my mind I know all of this. My heart is a little slower to catch up. When I catch a glimpse of his new love on Facebook, I still feel a twinge of sadness knowing that she is living the life my cousin never got to finish. It still doesn’t feel fair but I’m learning how to live with it. I know there will come a time when I will probably meet her, and I hope I am ready for that when it happens. For now, I keep a safe distance to protect my memories and protect my heart. For now – it’s not you, it’s me.

Unbalanced

Unbalanced. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Often I don’t realize that’s what I’m feeling right away, I just know I feel “off”. When I finally sit down and think about it, or talk it out with someone, it will hit me; I feel unbalanced.

I’m lucky, I don’t feel like this all the time – maybe once a year. It’s usually a result of being pulled in 20 different directions and feeling like I need to be everything to everyone and make everyone around me happy. It’s a gradual thing, moving in so slowly that I don’t even know it’s there at first; lurking in the corner and waiting until I am at my weakest before it pounces.

I have a sister-in-law that I can talk to when I start feeling this way – I find it helps when I just vent a little bit and get things off my chest first. She’s great at giving advice and helping me to see where I can start the journey back to a more balanced life. Once I’ve had time to absorb what she has said, I get up and I start making things happen. One little thing at a time, I just start with the easiest changes first. Seeing progress, even if it’s just a small change, is motivating for me.

If you are feeling “off” and you can’t figure out why, take some time to talk to someone you trust. An outside perspective can help you to see things that you probably won’t see on your own. You have to be open to the feedback and willing to just listen to what the person is saying but I have always found it to be worth the time and it has helped me grow as a person. If we don’t take care of ourself, we won’t be able to take care of anyone else.

Love xxox

Trust Your Intuition

Fate, Intuition, Energy, Karma; all of these are words that reflect in my life. I have moments when I just know something is wrong, I can feel it in my soul. Sometimes I will reach out to the person I am feeling these things about, sometimes I won’t. It really depends on how well I know them and how well I think my attention will be received. Most of the time I am right in feeling that something is off and sometimes I am able to help or simply be a shoulder to lean on/an ear to listen.

Learning to trust your intuition is a journey in itself – you first have to trust yourself and love yourself before you can ever tap into this part of you. Reaching out and asking if someone needs help can be a hard thing to do, especially if you have been rejected or rebuffed in the past. Lately, my intuition has been telling me that someone I love dearly is in big trouble and with that feeling have been signs that I am on the right track. The hard part is knowing how to act on it and when it’s really serious. Today was the day to act. Today was the day I offered my help. Today was the day when I probably saved this persons life. That hit me pretty hard. There are so many times you reach out and once you talk to the person you see that things weren’t as bad as you maybe thought they were. Things were as bad as I thought they were and once this person told me I had saved their life, all of the intensity of this moment just came pouring out of my eyes.

I don’t know exactly what the next steps look like, we will figure that out together in the next few days. I do know that I’m glad I offered help. I’m glad it was accepted. I’m glad I trusted my intuition. If you ever feel that twinge, that sense, that feeling like something just isn’t right with someone, please listen to it. You may just save a life.